The Feelings Check-In
A therapist asks 'how does that make you feel?' and the person genuinely has no idea -- not because they do not feel, but because they cannot identify what they feel.
Alexithymia
The difficulty identifying, describing, or understanding your own emotions -- not because you do not have them, but because you cannot name them.
Alexithymia -- from the Greek meaning 'no words for emotions' -- is a trait characterized by difficulty identifying, describing, and understanding your own emotional experiences. It is not that you do not feel things. You feel plenty. The problem is that those feelings arrive as a confusing, undifferentiated mass with no labels attached. Coined by psychotherapist Peter Sifneos in 1973, alexithymia affects an estimated 10 percent of the general population and is significantly more common among people with histories of emotional neglect, trauma, or neurodivergent conditions. When you grow up in an environment where emotions were ignored, punished, or never modeled, your brain never builds a robust emotional vocabulary. The result is that you might experience a tight chest, a racing heart, or a sudden urge to leave the room without any idea what you are actually feeling. Others might ask you 'how do you feel about that?' and the honest answer is 'I have no idea.' This is not emotional numbness -- it is emotional illiteracy. The feelings are there, but the translation layer is missing. Understanding alexithymia matters because unnamed emotions do not simply go away. They express themselves through your body (headaches, stomach problems, chronic tension), through your behavior (avoidance, irritability, sudden withdrawal), and through your relationships (partners feeling shut out, friends sensing distance). Learning to build an emotional vocabulary -- slowly, patiently, often with help -- is the first step toward actually knowing yourself.
Key Takeaway
Building an emotional vocabulary is a skill, not a talent -- start with your body's signals and slowly learn the language your childhood never taught you.
A Better Approach
A stick figure feeling a tightness in their chest and instead of ignoring it, pausing and placing a hand there with curiosity
The stick figure looking at a simple feelings wheel and matching their physical sensation to a possible word, circling 'overwhelmed' tentatively
The stick figure telling a trusted person 'I think I feel overwhelmed but I am not sure' while the other person listens without rushing them
The stick figure with a slightly larger emotional vocabulary, now noticing and naming feelings in real time with more confidence