The Leaving Test
A stick figure and their partner sitting happily together on a couch. A thought bubble above the first figure reads 'This is nice... but what if they leave?'
The stick figure picking a fight over nothing, saying 'Maybe we should just take a break' while secretly watching their partner's reaction with desperate, searching eyes
The partner stepping back, looking hurt and confused, giving space. The stick figure immediately panicking, reaching toward them with a thought bubble screaming 'Wait no, come back! I did not mean it!'
The stick figure alone, looking devastated, surrounded by a cycle diagram showing: 'Fear they will leave → Test them → They pull back → Fear confirmed → Test harder.' The cycle has no exit
A person unconsciously tests whether their partner will leave by pushing them away, then panicking when the partner gives them space -- trapped in a cycle of testing love they can never trust.
Explanation
If you have ever picked a fight for no reason, emotionally withdrawn to see if someone would chase you, or created a crisis to test whether someone would stay -- you have administered the leaving test. It is one of the most painful patterns driven by abandonment fear, because it is designed to answer a question that no single test can ever resolve: 'Will you leave me?' The logic works like this: deep down, you believe you will eventually be abandoned. This belief is so painful that uncertainty feels unbearable. So you force the issue. You push the person away, create conflict, or withdraw -- essentially daring them to leave. If they stay, you feel temporary relief. If they pull back even slightly, it confirms your deepest fear. Either way, you are trapped. Even when they pass the test, the relief does not last, because the core belief has not changed. You will need to test again. And again. And each test erodes the very connection you are trying to protect. The cruel irony of the leaving test is that it often creates the abandonment it fears. People who are repeatedly pushed away, tested, and doubted eventually run out of patience -- not because they do not care, but because you cannot build trust on a foundation of constant testing. Healing from abandonment fear means learning to tolerate the vulnerability of being loved without requiring proof.
Key Takeaway
Testing whether someone will leave is the fastest way to make sure they eventually do.
A stick figure feeling the urge to test their partner, pausing and recognizing the thought: 'This is my fear, not reality'
The figure choosing honesty instead of a test, saying 'I am feeling scared you might leave. I need to tell you that instead of pushing you away'
The partner responding with reassurance, and the figure sitting with it instead of immediately needing more proof
The figure building their own sense of worth independently -- journaling, in therapy, pursuing goals -- separate from the relationship